Alice is feeling sheepish.

“Tom has been absent from school” she began dolefully, when I saw her yesterday.             “Oh yes, I heard he was away – is he better?” I asked,                                                               “He wasn’t ill. We told Matron he had a tummy bug, but we actually took him to London for a couple of days. We thought he deserved a treat after his exams. Steve got time off work and we all went together.”                                                                                                      “It sounds lovely”                                                                                                                            “Yes it was. But Tom told his teacher when he got back. We told him to pretend he’d been ill, but he forgot and now we’ve had a nasty letter from the Head.” Alice looked embarrassed. She is not a natural rule breaker.                                                                             “He implied that by lying to Matron and telling her that Tom was sick, we’ve undermined the school – but the only reason I didn’t ask permission was because he would’ve said no and then Steve would have insisted on going anyway.”

It is embarrassing for Alice. She knows that it was unfair to expect Tom to keep such clandestine activities to himself – but it is the lying aspect that really troubles her .      “How can we tell Tom to be truthful with us, when he sees that we have lied? And we even told him to lie too! ”

Of course she is right and it is foolish to hope our children will obey the rules if they see us breaking them. In my book “Prepare your Daughter for Boarding” I discuss how important it is that parents try to work within school regulations, so as to not to give mixed messages to their children.  However, it is also worth remembering that if your child is at an independent school, you are the paying customer and your views should be taken into account.

On this occasion, for instance, I think Alice might have informed the school courteously that she was taking Tom to London, as the trip was educational (Tom visited the Globe theatre and several museums while he was away). It is also worth noting that Tom had finished all his exams and had already been awarded a scholarship to his next school.  If he had gone into class he would merely have attended lessons as usual with all the Common Entrance candidates, as the scholarship exams are held earlier. In these circumstances, it is hard to understand why any teacher would demand his presence.

While researching my first book I visited approximately twenty five independent schools and found that policies on absence varied.  Most teachers would agree that arriving late at the start of term is disruptive for the individual child and unfair on the rest of the class. However, the period post examination is a different matter and some Heads positively encourage children to explore other activities at this time. Others are more inflexible.

Whatever the style of your school, it is never a good idea to lie – not least because you will almost certainly be found out. However, there maybe be the odd occasion when you INFORM the school of your plans, without asking for permission and giving them the chance to say no.

Sibling neglect – keeping everyone happy at exam time

“Why don’t you ever read to me anymore?” Patrick said as he climbed out of the bath last night “and have you remembered to sew on my cub badge? Or have you lost it like last time?”
I thought back to the frantic search through pockets of various coats I may have worn when picking him up. Paddy’s cub uniform is in constant disarray. We used to have a “woggle panic” on Thursday mornings – until we realised that threading his scarf through lego window frames (the purple kind) is quite a convincing alternative.

The truth is that currently Paddy is neglected. Not because we don’t love him as dearly as his sisters, but because Isabel (the middle one) is doing her Common Entrance next week and requires a lot of attention. Their older sister is away at school and so Paddy has been left to his own devices. Take the morning run, for instance: Isabel sits in the front of the car and we speak French to each other. The sentences are learnt off pat and there is no deviation: School, Home; Leisure time. Once we get to the Crossroads (about five miles into our journey) Isabel does mental maths – I fire off questions but have no idea if she answers them correctly as the roads are quite winding by that point and I have to concentrate.

So, poor Paddy sits quietly by himself. And metaphorically, he is not alone. Younger siblings often have to take a back seat at this time of year – the exam season – but it can work to their advantage: Paddy is getting used to sorting himself out without as much supervision, a valuable life skill.

In my book “Prepare your Daughter for Boarding” I write about teaching your child to be responsible for him or herself without needing to be constantly nagged. This is a lesson which Paddy is now learning from necessity. Being the youngest child, with two older sisters, means that he has always been rather spoilt. Suddenly he is beginning to take more responsibility for himself and his kit.

And, what is more, I couldn’t help noticing the other day as I glanced in the rear view mirror that he mouths the answers to Isabel’s French oral questions.

So perhaps a little bit of “positive neglect” isn’t such a bad thing!